Originally published December 14, 2014
Updated: July 11, 2024
Frequently, I hear from parents who want advice on how to handle their child’s teacher and/or the Individual Education Plan (IEP) meeting. Many want to know ideas and strategies to “win” at getting what they want. In other words, how can they convince a group of educators that their child does or does not need certain services?
If you are a parent of a child with a disability, then I don’t have to tell you how stressful and downright ugly these meetings can get sometimes. Both sides want to prevail and many times the needs of the child become muted. Sure, everyone has good intentions, but when a precious child is involved emotions will run high.
Open door policy
When tempers flair resentment carries into the classroom. I don’t like it either, but it is hard to save face after a verbal altercation. Parent’s want what they want for their kidlet and I can’t blame them; but sometimes, the requests are simply impossible and dare I say, not necessary. Teachers and administrators know this and aren’t always as accommodating as they could be either. So, both sides potentially hold the key for success but neither will give in, and well, here we go ’round in circles.
One parent mentioned she stopped volunteering at school because of the drama. While that should not be the catalyst to stay away, I can understand the challenges parents face with the school staff. I remember the day a secretary had to get up and shut the door (during one of our meetings) while I felt the need to “elevate” the sound of my voice. Being told your first graders’ placement would change, without consent, to a “self contained” classroom is not a conversation that would sit well with any parent.
They may have closed the door to the conference room that day, but that interaction actually opened many other doors for me; more importantly for my son. That meeting was where my soul met “information over-load.” I wasn’t going down easy.
We don’t know what we don’t know
As time went on, I knew I needed to be fluent in the special education “language.” Teachers use a certain dialogue while discussing special education students. Unfortunately, the references mentioned can sometimes be difficult for new parents to comprehend. I resented the fact school personnel were deciding my sons future and goals without my knowledge or understanding; it’s supposed to be a “team” decision.
The truth is, we just don’t know what we don’t know. How can parents find a happy medium if we don’t even know what we should ask? Talk about frustration.
With each passing day, I became more angry at the system. In hindsight, I realize it wasn’t the system that created the animosity, it was my lack of understanding. We parents know our children better than anyone else and there will never be another mother to challenge that. Consequently, not understanding the “lingo” can have dramatically negative results for both the parents and the teachers.
Moving forward
I knew the only way to fight fire was to stop getting burned. I went home that day and called every educational agency I could think of, and anyone who may have had any knowledge about student’s with disabilities. The choices I made that day gave me the information to fight back.
In my heart, I knew what was best for my son, but I needed to be able to communicate effectively for his optimum learning experience. Let’s face it, that’s what this whole thing is about–our kids education.
Getting emotional only allows for further tension. Put that anger and emotion to good use. Learn everything you can about the school, the goals, and which resources are available. Continue to follow trends in special education.
Emotional voices do not make good choices
I am able to stay calm now because I feel that I am just as well versed as some of the teachers, if not more. I only focus on the facts and the really, really big stuff. Anything else is emotional fluff and will not move your child’s education forward. You must be the creator of your child’s destiny. Getting emotional does not get the job done, but learning the language will.
“Winning” is not anywhere near where I need to be, because for me, success is the independence and self-advocacy skills my son now owns. Our childs’ special education is not a game; yet if it were, the only clear winner should be the student.
Photo credits: Pinterest Free Images
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